The Working Mom

I never thought I would be the Mom that worked all the time. I thought I would be more active in my children's life. But as it turns out, I had no choice but to work. Finances are low  and it makes more sense for my husband to be the one to stay home with Olivia right now. It breaks my heart. I cant wait for the day that comes and I can be home with her. I am always so happy when weekends are here so I can cherish these times. But they go by way to fast. Vacations are always fun, but I always have my anxiety when I have to go back. It hurts so much to be away from her. Time is just going by so fast and I am missing so much. Cuddles are the best from her. I love when she is so excited that I have just come home from work. ughh I love that little girl so much and I hope she knows that, and that I am working so hard so that so will never go without.

Nine Months

Olivia is 9 months now. Where did the time go? She plays peekaboo, loves to eat (even though she wont eat finger foods on her own), still sleeps through the night, loves Mickey Mouse Club House and she can now crawl!! She is now forever mobile. What am I going to do!!!

I love being a mom to this little girl more than anything. I still wish I oculd be home more often. I have told myself that the next baby I will be the stay at home mom. One thing that is different from what I thought would happen is that Olivia still knows who I am. Even though I am gone long hours of the day she still wants to be with only me when I am home. It makes me feel so much better. I love her cuddles and hugs. She is now getting into the shy stage so when I am holding her she cuddles close to me and wraps her arms around me. Makes me feel so special.

I am currently planning her 1st birthday! how scary is that. It is going to be Minnie Mouse themed. So much fun!

The one thing I need to do is get back to the gym. I need to lose this weight . Currently (i cant believe I am saying this) i am 230lbs and I would like to be at 150lbs. SO what this means is instead of saying I cant go I have Olivia is that I need to step up and let the free say care at the gym watch her. But that entails someone other than family has to watch her and I need to be able to hand her off. GAHHHHHH. My mom tells me, "you will be in the building , just drop her off." easier said then done.

I think tonight we might go for a nice walk.

A Working Mom

Going back to work has been on of the most difficult things I have ever done. I have so many fear and concerns when it comes to me not being the one to take care of Olivia during the day. What if I cannot provide for her and Andrew? What if she doesnt want me around now or when she is older? What am I going to mis out on? I love Olivia with all my heart and it saddens me to think that I am not going to be the mom I thought I would be or that Olivia deserves. People tell me all the time that if mommy is happy then baby is happy. Well i am not happy. I drive so far away for work and work such long hours I am never home. I am already on medication for depression and all it does is makes me sleepy. I still cry everyday when I am not with her. I wish things would be different and I could be the one that could stay home with her. My baby is growing up so fast i dont want to miss anything.

I do not want to be the mom that is never around of when she is home she is sleeping. I want to be the mom that is always there for her no matter what. I have started to apply to other jobs and nothing has come of it yet. But I am determined to  change my life and be there for my daughter. She is my top priority no matter what. She is my heart and soul and my entire world.

Olivia

So my last post was me saying I have exciting news. Well the news was I was pregnant. Now i have a two month old little girl names Olivia Hope . I love her so much and cannot picture my life without her. I am truly blessed to be a mom to this wonderful bundle of joy. After 28 hrs of labor and 2 hrs of pushing She was born on December 7th 2012 at 847pm. She is the ost beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on.

Now I only have two followers on here and I do not think they are very active on here anymore. So I guess this is more of a journal for me to vent. I have severe anxiety about leaving Olivia and going back to work on Monday. I have tried to leave her several times for short periods of time and they have not ended well. I honestly dont know what to do.  Everytime i think about it i cry, shake, sweat and cannot breath. I was looking it up and it says anxiety can be a form of depression. I never knew this. I had an apointment today again with my dr so he can check up on me but I had to cancel due to the snow.

I do not want to leave my baby behind.  I am so scared.

News to Come

Well I have some pretty exciting news. And no one can know about it!! :( but :) at the same time. It has been a crazy year. I am about to become an aunt again to I am sure will be an adorable little boy. I have a decent job, even though I am exhausted all the time from it. I have an amazing husband who i adore till no end. Also a loving family. I am so blessed to have all these things in my life. I cannot wait till 12 so i can go home. I am exhausted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just another day...

So I am at work again, just thought I would jot down a few things. Last night went to the gym only for a half hour. I was so exhausted but i made sure to sweat so it was better than nothing. I mentioned to my boss today that me working Sunday would make it that I have worked every single holiday off and I keep getting told that I will have the next one off. He asked what days I would like off for working the holiday. I was like hmmmm how about the days that I am suppose to be off like this weekend!!!!so frustrating. One day I will get what I was told I am.

I could just cry

I am sitting here at work and I am just having the worse day, week actually and it is only Tuesday.  I just found out I have to work on my weekend off without notice or choice, I am short staffed, I can feel my blood pressure rising. I also feel that my managers so dittaly squat. I have no clue what they do throughout the day because nothing seems to be getting done. I talk to my director and no seems to get it. I am so unhappy here and I graduated school and I make less than 40 a year. There are some guys who make more than I do and I am there boss. there is something wrong with that. I am also exhausted and have no life what so ever. I am here at work from 2 to 12 so i have to leave me house at 1200 to get here for 2 and I dont get home till 130am. Something has go to give and something has to change.