The Working Mom

I never thought I would be the Mom that worked all the time. I thought I would be more active in my children's life. But as it turns out, I had no choice but to work. Finances are low  and it makes more sense for my husband to be the one to stay home with Olivia right now. It breaks my heart. I cant wait for the day that comes and I can be home with her. I am always so happy when weekends are here so I can cherish these times. But they go by way to fast. Vacations are always fun, but I always have my anxiety when I have to go back. It hurts so much to be away from her. Time is just going by so fast and I am missing so much. Cuddles are the best from her. I love when she is so excited that I have just come home from work. ughh I love that little girl so much and I hope she knows that, and that I am working so hard so that so will never go without.

Nine Months

Olivia is 9 months now. Where did the time go? She plays peekaboo, loves to eat (even though she wont eat finger foods on her own), still sleeps through the night, loves Mickey Mouse Club House and she can now crawl!! She is now forever mobile. What am I going to do!!!

I love being a mom to this little girl more than anything. I still wish I oculd be home more often. I have told myself that the next baby I will be the stay at home mom. One thing that is different from what I thought would happen is that Olivia still knows who I am. Even though I am gone long hours of the day she still wants to be with only me when I am home. It makes me feel so much better. I love her cuddles and hugs. She is now getting into the shy stage so when I am holding her she cuddles close to me and wraps her arms around me. Makes me feel so special.

I am currently planning her 1st birthday! how scary is that. It is going to be Minnie Mouse themed. So much fun!

The one thing I need to do is get back to the gym. I need to lose this weight . Currently (i cant believe I am saying this) i am 230lbs and I would like to be at 150lbs. SO what this means is instead of saying I cant go I have Olivia is that I need to step up and let the free say care at the gym watch her. But that entails someone other than family has to watch her and I need to be able to hand her off. GAHHHHHH. My mom tells me, "you will be in the building , just drop her off." easier said then done.

I think tonight we might go for a nice walk.

A Working Mom

Going back to work has been on of the most difficult things I have ever done. I have so many fear and concerns when it comes to me not being the one to take care of Olivia during the day. What if I cannot provide for her and Andrew? What if she doesnt want me around now or when she is older? What am I going to mis out on? I love Olivia with all my heart and it saddens me to think that I am not going to be the mom I thought I would be or that Olivia deserves. People tell me all the time that if mommy is happy then baby is happy. Well i am not happy. I drive so far away for work and work such long hours I am never home. I am already on medication for depression and all it does is makes me sleepy. I still cry everyday when I am not with her. I wish things would be different and I could be the one that could stay home with her. My baby is growing up so fast i dont want to miss anything.

I do not want to be the mom that is never around of when she is home she is sleeping. I want to be the mom that is always there for her no matter what. I have started to apply to other jobs and nothing has come of it yet. But I am determined to  change my life and be there for my daughter. She is my top priority no matter what. She is my heart and soul and my entire world.

Olivia

So my last post was me saying I have exciting news. Well the news was I was pregnant. Now i have a two month old little girl names Olivia Hope . I love her so much and cannot picture my life without her. I am truly blessed to be a mom to this wonderful bundle of joy. After 28 hrs of labor and 2 hrs of pushing She was born on December 7th 2012 at 847pm. She is the ost beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on.

Now I only have two followers on here and I do not think they are very active on here anymore. So I guess this is more of a journal for me to vent. I have severe anxiety about leaving Olivia and going back to work on Monday. I have tried to leave her several times for short periods of time and they have not ended well. I honestly dont know what to do.  Everytime i think about it i cry, shake, sweat and cannot breath. I was looking it up and it says anxiety can be a form of depression. I never knew this. I had an apointment today again with my dr so he can check up on me but I had to cancel due to the snow.

I do not want to leave my baby behind.  I am so scared.

News to Come

Well I have some pretty exciting news. And no one can know about it!! :( but :) at the same time. It has been a crazy year. I am about to become an aunt again to I am sure will be an adorable little boy. I have a decent job, even though I am exhausted all the time from it. I have an amazing husband who i adore till no end. Also a loving family. I am so blessed to have all these things in my life. I cannot wait till 12 so i can go home. I am exhausted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just another day...

So I am at work again, just thought I would jot down a few things. Last night went to the gym only for a half hour. I was so exhausted but i made sure to sweat so it was better than nothing. I mentioned to my boss today that me working Sunday would make it that I have worked every single holiday off and I keep getting told that I will have the next one off. He asked what days I would like off for working the holiday. I was like hmmmm how about the days that I am suppose to be off like this weekend!!!!so frustrating. One day I will get what I was told I am.

I could just cry

I am sitting here at work and I am just having the worse day, week actually and it is only Tuesday.  I just found out I have to work on my weekend off without notice or choice, I am short staffed, I can feel my blood pressure rising. I also feel that my managers so dittaly squat. I have no clue what they do throughout the day because nothing seems to be getting done. I talk to my director and no seems to get it. I am so unhappy here and I graduated school and I make less than 40 a year. There are some guys who make more than I do and I am there boss. there is something wrong with that. I am also exhausted and have no life what so ever. I am here at work from 2 to 12 so i have to leave me house at 1200 to get here for 2 and I dont get home till 130am. Something has go to give and something has to change.

Gym Time Progress!!

So I have hit the gym two times now the first night i did the tred mill, eliptical and bike . The second night I went at 1:20 am and warmed up on the tredmill for 10 mins and then I went to the weights worked on my arms, and abs. After that for my cardio work out I went on this machine thingy lol i know its funny but its not the eliptical but the same concept just your legs move differently. Talk about a work out!!! I also found out my headphones are not conpatable with the tvs they have there, I got electrial shocked 3 times!! time for some new ones I guess. I am taking a break from the gym tonightm but will be back tomorrow after work around 130am again. cant weight to weigh my self next week and hopefully see some progress!!! Glad I have my sister Shanyn to help, even though she is on the other side of the country she is an insipration for me to get my butt in gear!!! Love you sis!!

Time to get my butt in gear.

So tomorrow is the day, I currently weigh 217lbs and I am ready to take the challenge to lose weight. I know this is not going to be easy. I am scared and I am hoping i can pull it off. My entire goal is to be 150lbs. But I know you are suppose to start with small goals. So my first goal is to be 200lbs. Tomorrow I am going to the gym and signing up and going grocery shopping and starting a new eating habit. uuughhhhh wish me luck.

Something is just not right.

So I woke up this morning, and have been having a hard time since then. I feel so off today, and I went through like 10 outfits today for work, not feeling comfortable on anything. I know I need to lose and i am hopefully signing up for the gym friday. But its not the weight, I have no clue what it is. Have you just ever woken up and felt off and not yourself and you just cant put your finger on it. I dont know what to do. I dont know if it is a positive or negative thing but it feels pretty negative because I feel like crap. I feel fine health wise, i just feel awful some  other way. I know I am probably not making any sense. But I guess that is what I have to say. Feels good to let this out. I think I really need to blog more, it has been awhile.

conflicted

I am so confused. When this wedding process started i was so excited to have my friends with me and share this experience with them. I figured they would be happy for me and supportive. But this is not the case. I have already lost two bridesmaids and loss them as friends. Now i feel like i am losing another. I have never felt so alone in m entire life. I try to talk to andrew about it, but he really dosnt understnad. My mom says they are stuck in high school mode. One friend, who is a bridesmaid never showed up to my shower and didnt come to my graduation party. and now she is upset because i couldnt come because my dog is going through some medical issues, and i had to make sure he is ok. I just dont know what to do. I really dont think i can go through another emotional rollercoaster of losing yet another friend. What do i do? i am completely lost and starting to think i am doing something wrong.

NEW LIFE

So i am officially done with school. I have graduation on Saturday.!!!! Living with andrew is great. We dont really see each other alot though because our schedules are opposite. I really want a date night soon. but we are broke with the wedding coming up. We got out wedding bands! we really now just have to make payments on everything. bllahhh i cant wait for this to be over. i am still having nightmares about the wedding. so i cant wait till the stress is over. So now i am starting to look for a new job. something full time and something that can hold me over until i can find something that goes with my degree. i am so exhausted though i cant wait to figure everything out.

tired

So i am still not even close to being unpacked. I hate moving. I also hate not having a tv. I had to find out that southwest airlines is having issues and a kid from my school got kidnapped on friday while his girlfriend was shoved in a suitcase. (thought i had it rough) by my mom and people at school. but living with andrew is nice. I am beginning to figure out his little quirks. like finding carrots in the deli draw. And finding him whipping the dogs ass with our dish towel. (eww) i threw it away. But other than that its going well. But i still need more shelves and another dresser, futon, desk and a few other things. but i am cooking some meatballs in the slow cooker and i am on my way to my moms. to watch my show since i cant here. Write later i guess.

busy busy bee with a little bit of nightmares

So i have not posted is so long because i have been so busy moving into our apartment, and with the start of my new job and school. Today is my first day where i dont have work or school, so i thought i would write a little something. So far so good with living with andrew. It still really doesnt feel like we are living with each oher. because i have stayed at his house for long periods of time. so i wonder if it will ever really kick in that we are living with each other. There is about 5 1/2 months till our wedding!!!! YIKES!!!! still so much to do. Speaking of weddings... considering how i only have 2 followers and both of you are married. NICOLE AND ROBIN. did you guys ever have nightmares about your wedding . Like really intense ones. Here is mine.
   So its the wedding day. I am in my dress, a few mins to walk down the asile. Then OMG i forgot that we never bought rings. !!!!! so somehow a little guy shows up with a box of rings and i buy two. then... my mom and my sisters are no where to be found. i end up walking down the asile by myself . But as i am half way down they show up behind me but their flowers are dead. then we get married and all is ok. we take a few pictures, but again my mom and sisters disappear. i call my mom and ask where she was and she said she was at home with my sisters. I had asked why and she said the wedding was over so she left. but the reception was in a few minutes. so i didnt under stand why they would leave. I convinced them to come back. Then ANDREW GOES MISSING. the wedding coordinator (which was odly the women who is holding my fate with a job i am currently up for in real life for after college) finds andrew in the back with some women and they are about to have sex. two minutes after we are married. Some how i forgive him(never in really life. he would have been casterated then would have shoved them down his throat) haha) we are walking to trying to find our car in a large parking gargage. we get in the car and  i realize hes not wearing his wedding band. I ask where it is and he says its in his coat. i tell him to put it on (still mad about him and that women) then he goes to get it and its not there. i start yelling just perfect andrew really. i start the car and drive off. and then i wake up. MESSED UP DREAM RIGHT!!! it still makes me mad and i am awake. ok well write back to this one please.

blah

Today i had school. My first day of design class. It was pretty interesting but i was the only one there that has never taken a design class before so everyone was talking and i feel like i was listening to a foreign language. So the professor is going to help me out. we are going to the mall on wednesday to look at designs. Its the perfect time to take this class since andrew and I are moving this weekend. I can get some ideas on how to decorate our new place to make it a home. We get to move things in on fri and sat and then we get to actually move in on sunday!! i cant wait to not live out of boxes and i get to sleep in a bed instead of the couch!! yay!! right now i am at andrews waiting for for him and listening to fenway snore hahah hes loud.i know this post gives no information and is pointless but i am bored. ok thats good for now. watching some secret life repeats. good night<3

Welcome To My Life

Hello , my name is Lauren and this is my first time blogging. For an introduction I am 22 years old and i am about to graduate college!! not only that but i am getting married in 6 months! Alot of other things are going on this year, that you all will continue to learn as i post. (to much for one post) I am a changed person, and i have learned my new favorite line that my sister Shanyn told me "sometimes it is better to just walk away" and that is what i am doing. I am going to start living my life for me and my future husband <3 I love my family and i know they are always  there for me. The year 2011 has already been crazy, and i am sure there is more to come.